As we walk back to the lab, Sarah and I discuss how we’ve gotten used to the cold in Lahore and we don’t need many layers anymore. This makes me genuinely happy- as if i suddenly belong. We also discuss how she and I have started talking like each other.

As i look at her affectionately I realize i’ve found amazing amazing girl friends. These are the girls I’ve spent nights/mornings/evenings with. These are the people whose rooms i crash in, whose food i eat, whos shoulders i sleep on. They are my family and I love them so much and have grown to rely on them in such little time.

Lugging groceries up stairs, haggling with rickshaw drivers, waking up late and running to class in pjs, eating bad food without complaints and spending whole nights just laughing and sitting around doing nothing. It has all taught me so much and I’m so glad I came here.

I’m going to miss the “Where” texts and the 4 a.m khoka trips when I go home in a couple of days.

LUMS, stay safe. I’ll be back in a bit.

Taped to the wall while others stare and whisper, i try to think of the ways in which I could make it out of this story alive.

A bee stings his companion when he flies off to a distant flower and immediately regrets this violent show of emotion.
Did you?

A chance and two doubts.

a life and two loves.

bittersweet bite of truth and a swig of matured wine.

You yelled once and forgot about the story you promised me. I waited with childish excitement and went to bed rebuked and quiet. That was when my eyes got that eternal brighteness, that glean, that wetness. When bubbles of hope are burst, the moist despair coats everything.

A tuesday I needed you and you said you loved my best friend. I nodded and hopped around dutifully while my brain started digging a grave for my emotions.

why is a question but for me its you.

Ocean and salt. Faith and disappointement.

When you get the chance, you should dance.

Its worth it. The flirting, the twirling, the notes and the love, the floopiness and the flooziness. All of it. Like a whiff of salty air that fills your lungs and expands your heart with satisfaction.

She leaned back and sucked aimlessly on her pen
Thinking about dancing with the flames
At the moonlit beach with her Joshua.
She heard him vaguely,
Her leathery, filthy husband and thought two thoughts
Completely unrelated
But nothing which pertained to his agitation.

The guavas were brought in,
In a tray arranged sadly
He picked at a withered leaf and said
“Im not young anymore”
Was she expected to disagree?
..
“Hey, Honey, you! hey
how come you don’t kiss me no more?
hey, whats the problem, Sweets?”
He challenged her mindlessly,
laughing and thinking
about rifles and fat, little birds with pretty
feathers lined up on the ground, headless
and ready to be roasted.
She hid her head under the pillow and
played love songs in her head,
her toes dancing,
her fingers twirling..

She got up, nightgown trailing
and sat outside by the pool.
Beside her, lay Amelia,
the blonde one-eyed doll from her childhood.
“Amelia, you see my nails? You see how my hair
glows under this light?
Amelia, am i not beautiful?
I know i look beautiful Amelia.
Thankyou, Amelia. Thankyou.
Thankyou, Josh..Amelia”
She broke down.

A cry escaped my throat and i hugged my arms staring into his brown, solid eyes and suddenly started rocking back and forth violently. I crooned an old song, the Muezzin begged me to come pray on luxurious mats and his eyes held me, fast, in their iron grip.

The sun drowned. Without a sound.

I heard a bird flap its wings helplessly and i shivered. It was cold. I looked around and saw that the bench was empty with a single yellow half-leaf sitting next to me sullenly.

Soon enough i realized that the brown eyes that were my prison were in fact not even there.

HELL NO. no way. YOU. i can’t let you get to me. And you DON’T get to me. OKAY? I dont need you. AT ALL, AT ALL. I’m fine and in fact, I’m doing great.

You had your chance. You had your chance and you were all, uh,uh,er, um.. well, mr.uh-er-um I’M NOT SITTING AROUND FOR YOU. I wasn’t then. I’M NOT, NOW.

why do you have to be hovering around? just RIGHT THERE? =/

SWIM BACK, SWIM BACK, MARIE. swim back. See here? SEE THE SUN? Marie, its late, MARIE. its late. its late.

shake your fist and wave to a corpse. Blue waves and blue lips. White surf and white pupils. The beauty under the sun.

incision. sligh slight cut. Bleed to death.

no one knows. no one cares.

He got me a corsage made of Yellow Yesterdays and White Nevers and fastened it lovingly round my trembling wrist. I knew it was Time.

So then, he climbed over the wall and landed in another World while she waited in the Tower and died, waiting.

She took out an old towel and scooped up the remains of the glittery night. They joined the collection in the secret black cabinet decorated with images of Disney Princes..

Nice. Nice. Nice. Taken.

Sit. Smile. Fade away.

Because the blue-black of a beaten-up body is a colour you understand and you know to well how hard it is to stand, after laughing to a joke, you did not comprehend..

See, here. And here. and right over there. you made those mistakes when you knew it wasn’t fair (to you or yourself or the guy in your head) But see the beauty of a mistake held in drops of remorse mixed with a tinge of satisfaction.

I saw the horse shake his mane and look at the sky and i realized that never will i experience that moment of assured beauty and thankfulness..

No no, ofcourse you tried. I saw that, ofcourse. But my body was already bruised and your elbows still callous. My soul is purple from the shiny hurt but hey, its purple. Atleast not a deprived yellow.

help me. because this is where i break. the cracks never show yet theyre larger than life itself because life is in a tiny capsule. Bite and die.
Die.
Die.
Die.

The Burial of a Million Hugs.

A blink and it broke.

A plastic arm and a tainted dress.

She holds her eyes in her open palms hoping the wind would whisk them away.

She smiles and a million cracks appear. She smiles again and breaks.

A thud and a tinkle. A tinkle, a tinkle. Thuds happen once but never leave.

You thought her hair was real but it was actually yellow nylon.

I experienced the biggest pains of life by existing. I wish i could have dissolved, merged into the crowds, melted into the walls. I wish i could have been a vague face in the crowd.

‘Na tha kuch tou khuda tha,
kuch na hota tou khudaa hota,
doboya mujh ko honey ney
na hota mein, tou kia hota”

“When i was nothing, i was God
If i were nothing, I’d still be a part of God
Existence led to my doom
If i hadnt existed, i would be so much more”

- Ghalib

Can anyone word it so beautifully?
I dont want to exist.
I wish i didnt exist.
I want to be left alone.

And you waited quietly for me.

I pushed the hair out of my eyes and blinked because the words blurred for a second. I blinked repeatedly and continued scribbling. The words blurred again. Phrases, alphabets and worded emotions swayed in front of my eyes in a strange dance. The ink swam and swirled and twisted and turned and convulsed and shuddered and quivered. I shivered. I blinked, once, twice, again and AGAIN. i rubbed my eyes and thats when i realized i was quietly crying. Tears were rolling out of my eyes softly and unknowingly. The pen fell out of my crazed grip and i let out a huge sob.

He had very lovingly held me in his arms and told me it was all going to be okay. He told me to write. He told me it helped. He said it would be therapeutic.

And then, as i curled up and pouted a little and told him i was tired and some sleep would fix everything, his smile grew cold and he said i should write it all out so that he could understand.

And. He said i wasn’t to sleep till i did.

*sings paper planes*

insane smile and tingling palms. A very, very, nimble kind of happiness igniting your bones. prolonged laughter and quick blushes. A touch, a tentative touch and a million little goosebumps. One word and an assortment of delicious emotions.

 Is it all in your head? or are you really in Heaven?

*Dancin’ where the stars go blue,

dancin’ where the evening fell,

Dancing in my wooden shoes,

in a wedding gown..

Where do you go when you’re lonely
Where do you go when you’re blue
Where do you go when you’re lonely
I’ll follow you
When the stars go blue*

Everything felt so pretty and bright and happy and quiet and outstanding. Some people complete you. Some people complement you. Some heal and some help. I’m lucky to have found them. Thankyou [:

*Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover’s tongue
In a lullaby*

Looking up, warm in our borrowed hoodies and long-sleeves to stare up at a sky dotted with a million little stars. Countless yet each shining, fresh and distinct. Darkness and soft sounds of a calm sea. Glittery, soft sand and familiar bodies. Experience and a half.

*Where do you go when you’re lonely
Where do you go when you’re blue
Where do you go when you’re lonely
I’ll follow you*

Following each other in the dark. Trust and love. Stumbling, steadying, laughing. Walking towards nowhere yet somewhere. So unsure, yet sure. So alone, yet together. So sleepy, yet awake. So tired, yet fresh. So calm, yet excited. So, so, so jaded, yet STARSTRUCK.

We watched wide-eyed as God showed us why we should feel so blessed.

Scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble, Burn. collect the ashes. all you want to say, all you think, all you write can be condensed to a pinch of blackish-grey powder.

Lick and wince. the wound is still fresh but it grows into a whole different entity day by day.

You pat the feather and stroke it. You finger it and smile. You enjoy it and the next thing you know, its broken and can no longer fly.

Did you kill? think.

Ok, so you know how some people dont get certain concepts? I’m, way beyond that hopelessness. I dont get ANY of it save some babyish bits. Even that is okay. But during the exam what made me realize my brain just wasn’t made for such a subject was this:

I was making a simple demand and supply diagram. I figured i’d see how it went from there, whether price fell or whatever. Drawing these are fun and i didnt know what to write. So i make the axes and i draw the two lines crossing, The i label the x and y axis and THEN. I had a blank moment.. ok no, blank MOMENTS, where i forgot which line was demand and which supply. YES. I’m doing freaking AS level economics and i forgot if the Demand curve was the one above or the one below.

 SEE? .. It was so absurd it was FUNNY. I figured it out finally.. by recalling a note i gave someone. I know that would help me some day. But you see? Im hopeless. I’m challenged.

So the people in the exam room were very weird as expected. Porcupine Guy was the funniest. He was a tall guy, looked pretty old and was wearing a fitted blue teeshirt. So he walks in and sits down, then gets up, blushes, pulls his shirt down because his undies were showing and then sat again. Then he squirmed, got up again, pulled his shirt down under his butt and plopped down AGAIN. His hair was gelled in such a way that he looked like a porcupine. Or some such creature. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG maybe. lol.

The dude behind amna was dressed as if for his own wedding. Proper shirt, dress pants, black shiny shoes, slicked down hair. I mean who has that much time in the morning? He was obviously a smartass who while people like me tried to read through a thousand creepy answers before leaving, took his time looking like an ass. hmph.

The girl next to me had weird hair. Half was straight, half curly. Yes. Maybe her straightener broke down. I dont know. What i know is, its awfully distracting when a girl with creepy hybrid sort of God-knows-how-to-describe-hair is sitting next to you, HYPERVENTILATING, you just CANNOT concentrate. Oh and she was wearing really high, black heels. I mean, DUDE. And while we were waiting in that stupid room, she suddenly burst out saying “IM SCARED… AAAAHH” -_-

There was also mr-charlie-chaplin-in-white-kurta, mr. brown-skin-with-brown-jeans-and-brown-shirt, ms. insanely-large-hoop-earrings-which-were-golden and one other guy i dont wanna describe because i SAW HIM FIRST SO HA. Back off :D hahahaha.

Economics. should.die.die.die. See what it makes people into?

……

Judy wore Johnnys ring. Juliet ignored the radio dude. Blondie cried at her party.  This is how the world works.

…..

The leaf rots and the fruit sours. You laugh and i cower

…..

His fist clenched as he watched her leave and he cried out. Almost. His throat refused to release his pained voice. His knees gave away and he staggered to the nearest sofa. Sinking down, a mixture of self-pity and dread enveloping him, he crushed a pretty, little flower under his unforgiving frame.

…..

Kurtas, garlands, mehendi and a little drama. You got your wedding, I got my regrets.

…..

Glow. Glow. Glow. DIE. like a Black Moth.

…..

Staple the vows to the certificate of Love and put it into an envelope and mail it to him. Done? You are a woman now.

……

When i was eleven, the teacup- that held the hot, story, liquid, that was my world- broke, and he said “You’re not a baby anymore”

……

She preserved the rose he bought with half-hearted passion and borrowed money, in her diary. Just because.

to drag the past out into the light,

We’re one, But we’re not the same,

we need to carry each other,

carry each other*

Relationships are about complementing the other. Instead of highlighting your partners flaws and bringing them out, why dont you dilute them? Its creepy when someone asks for constant changes in your personality because it makes you wonder whether they liked the idealized version of you or the REAL you. And thats not a pretty feeling. At all, at all. I’ll change when i want, when i feel like it, when i think its necessary. Until then, I’m sorry, but youre stuck with me, the way i am, the way i choose to be.

Stop modifying my life! Its a horrible thing to do, just because you can. Please. Dont.

*Well, did i ask for too much? more than a lot? You gave me nothing, now its all ive got*

Visualize. Our perfect world. The unity, the harmony, the CALM- which is the most integral part -missing. What the hell happened? Was it easier to dream then? Its NOT a fairytale. Its not. you said so yourself, very aptly, but harshly.

*You say, Love is a temple, love is a higher law. Youre asking me to enter but then you make me crawl, and i cant keep holding on!*

You said it would work. You said it would change. You said it would always make sense.

You said, One love.

Switch on. KFC. Chaand. Mehendi. Dubai. Towel hearts and rosepetal drama. Limited profiles and yoyoyoyoyoyo. Little Miss Bossy. Miss who lost her Boss. Bossy. Miss. miss. miss. miss. pepsi. miss. miss. miss. miss. a.o.land. Brian and Pepsi. Purple blobs and discovering bodies. Paint and dark basements. Begging and pleading. Punish. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Pepsi. Pepsisexi.

Asomexi. Oxyfix. shmexi. Lithium.

A fallen Angel. A rootless tree. Two faces, each blacker and more screwed than the other.

“You write? :S”

Which fucking world do you live in? Do you even know my NAME?

My list of the creepy guys ive encountered or am related to is truly a masterpiece. But the most disgusting of all those despicable creatures are:

1- Ape: His real name starts with an M. Although, this is the only one who is actually hot from my list, his creepiness knows no bounds. This guy compulsively stares at my freaking TOENAILS. yes. TOENAILS. And no, toenails is not a codeword or euphimism for any other part of the body. So yes. Its not like he doesnt stare at other obvious parts BUT he’s obsessed with my “teeny weeny toes” =/ I hate this guy. He grins like a fucking ape and  he wears t-shirts with obscenities on them. Once wore a black shirt with a large “XXL” written across the chest and a bold arrow pointing down to his fly =/ The other time, it was a red shirt with “Isex. Do you?” on it. And he wears these to formal dawats. He’s not related to me in any way. He’s a distant family-friend-ish something but i see him way too much. And he calls me Little Lady which pisses me off. So ape can just go die with his rotten hands trying to touch me, stuffed up his ass. yea :)

2: F: F is in my school. He is large, hairy and has scraggly facial hair. He loves urdu shair-o-shairi and is sort of mad. He stares and spits. He walks in a really weird way and has no fucking manners. Two weeks into my new school he tried to fb-chat me up. Said i was special. It still makes me feel icky. He’s a pseudo-religious-fanatic. Once he spat half-a-nestle-watter-bottle out in class like a fountain because he forgot he was fasting! yes. Dis-gust-ing. The creepiest thing he does, however is, lean back against the desk behind him.. spread out his arms..spread out his legs.. and.. move his crotch up and down.. fast, fast, faster, faster.. BLEGH. Its horrific to see him at it. It isnt even FUNNY.

3: F: This time, its my first cousin who is tall, lanky and has a staring disorder. I think his stupid eyes dont know how to freaking blink. If he stares, he stares like there’s no tomorrow, even if you glare right back at him. He even stares at his own AUNTS. So maybe its not his fault. But THE WAY HE EATS. Thats whats creepy. he stuffs food into his mouth as if he starves at home. And he’s flthy rich, mind you. Two iphones, home theatre, two laptops, own business.. =/ wtf does this guy need? FOOD apparently. FOOD. he eats like a hungry jungli. =/

4: A: Again, first cousin. This one can actually tie up with Ape. He’s the most perverted guy ive ever seen. You know the kind of guys who peep into bathrooms, make jokes about bellybuttons at age 7, feel little girls up? Thats him. If you havent seen that kind, dont worry. These creeps are rare. If youre wondering why I get to meet them all, im cursed. Yes. Its my sins, i tell you. A thinks he looks sexy with his long hair with a middle-parting which he straightens..He looks like a hijra. He insists on wearing V-necks when he is fat and has a fucking jungle of hair on his chest. He is a true maila in every sense of the word. Fake fb profiles, city-school maila friends, hooting, staring, grinning like a baboon, zero intelligence or ambition and lots of money to spend on his hair. I hate this one more than i hate Ape. Anyday.. He is sadistic also. Since he was young, he would throw ketchup on cats, try to drown girls, try to kill little animals.. so yes. Messed up and perverted. This guy needs a whole new life. And a brain or two.

5) K: He’s MY maila. The only one i dont really mind. lol

Violets are Blue-ish

If it wasnt for Jesus,

We’d all be Jewish!

I could do so much. So many things that my heart is yearning to do. So many things i dream of, fantasize about, think will actually make me genuinely happy. But. No time. No point starting something you cannot finish. Cant construct a shoddy, half-built stucture of Bliss.

Yesterday was a happy day. It was. I dont remember having that much fun since quite a bit. Seemed so easy, so natural. I wont forget.

Friday was the kind of day that i wouldnt wish even on Ape whom i hate from the bottom of my heart. But we said we would forget. And so we will. Because seriously, it isn’t the kind of thing you’d want to keep in your system. It tore apart sensibility, ate away at sense, eroded all happy positive thoughts..

blegh.

the clock is ticking. hmph.

Awkwardness. Moment of epiphany. Lesson not learnt. The boy cuts his finger again and watches the blood flow, frustrated. Things dont change. Sharpness just doesnt suddenly become blunt. The owl claws its own wing off. The moon bursts into smouldering pieces.

Mayhem.

A sock puppet catches fire and burns the child. She screams. They laugh.

Disturbia. All around me. I see light and it hurts.

I dont belong even with my closest friends. I just dont. Ive stopped trying cuz some people are just not enough for others whatever the hell they do. Nothing makes sense and I HATE half-hearted attempts. I hate discussions and i hate words. I hate “talking it out” I just want to forget anythign bad/awful/hurtful happened. So much easier and convenient. I really dont have the strength to be curious.

It sucks that this period of my life will be the shortest and the fastest. A few months and its OVER. For good. Fo Sho. Its an awful feeling and ive been trying to deal with it since Day 1. I start depending upon people too much. Little things make my life and then when those vanish, i refuse to see the bigger picture.

Its like I’m at an airport. I’m watching my friends prepare to leave, to move on. I see them wave goodbye, see them move towards the gate. I see them excited and happy and glistening with teh idea of a Future. I see them leave. I see them leave forever. I see them forgetting and learning to forget. I see them beign the people theyre meant to be. But always, i feel detached from the scene. As if i dont belong or like its not my place to be in that picture. Im not one of them and i neevr will be. I’m not a part of their lives; not as integral atleast, as they or i thought. It doesnt work like that. People drift away and find new happiness and new love and thats that. But people like me dwell upon the old memories and refuse to stop them. Its like a lose-lose situation. You keep reminiscing yet you refuse to get them back. Its their time to move on. Its my time to kiss them goodbye. Its their time to shine. Its my time to step away.

I thought i was happy today. I was. I lalala-ed and hopped and hummed and laughed. But mostly to myself and by myself. Thats when i realized how horribly lonely i was. I mean, theres a limit to how much one can talk to ones own self. The Phonecall was a happy highlight and left me giddy for quite a bit.

But bitchy cousins have a way you know? They drift in and stifle all positivity within a ten feet radius. Its what they do. Good for them. One day i’ll be immune. I will. Wait and watch. I just hope it happens soon.

I feel so much older and tired every day i wake up for school. Its not fun. Nothings fun anymore. Wheres the glitter and the sparkle and the laughter associated with being aesha?