•July 11, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Oh, so many precarious moments – teardrops hanging from the fine criss-crossing cords that weave our days – and all it takes is a blink, and you hurtle down the spiral of meaninglessness. But snap, thank the universe, because suddenly, I see through the tears – salty spectrum – a myriad of colors vibrating across the blackness. Is this what meaning is? I try to create my dreams but I can’t even draw a sun on most days. I pick up the yellow crayon anyway. Metaphorically speaking of course. Literally too, now that I think about it. It sucks sometimes that I’m a picker of crayons bc. But I digress. I sit and try to create tantalizing images, beautiful scenes, peaceful ordinary moments (even though it’s hard, with the cynic chewing on my fingers). It’s so much easier to draw black instead. I know that. I’m a pro. It’s so natural. It’s so much more delicious too, to be honest. My shadow is all for a caricature of itself. But I’ve dared to dream in color now and I feel like I’ve seen it all before. So even on days when I can’t seem to remember shit, I pick up the crayon, remembering that warm, beautiful feeling I’ve come to recognize and love. Wet eyes, open heart, I draw a yellow blob, imagining myself on a solitary, sunny day with a good book, some hash, and a hundred and eighty dried pinecones on the grass. I feel genuinely alive. 

•July 9, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Blue-skinned lover, would you care to hear my song? 

•July 9, 2017 • Leave a Comment

In the blazing sunlight, who can see a flame? 

•July 9, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I live day after day knowing that in an alternate reality I am touching your skin, wiping your tears, listening to your voice, looking at your hands shake, laughing with you. I continue on every minute, knowing I could be in your arms instead, on top of you, that you could be inside me, that I could be sucking on your lip. Don’t ask me how I go to sleep each night and how I get myself to wake up. I don’t know how, but I live on. And ofcourse it’s hard, so hard, because you’re so beautiful. But I would do this a million times over because we are light and shadows, we fall and we rise. I’ve never played by the rules and now I know why. I will never play by the rules because someone else made them. I don’t want to dwell on the past or in a false sense of loss, so I wake up every day and smile at the sun at least once and send you some love (because when I had my sun close to me, I often turned away, I ran, I hid). Let this be my garden and my gate, my lesson and my deliverance. Let me remember my strength and my cracks, and learn to see magic in tragedies, the whole in the dot. Let me be reminded of the love that gave me all my strength and magic, the love that introduced me to me. Thank you. A million times, thank you. 

You told me to fight my own battles and I’ve tried to honor your words ever since. And ofcourse I haven’t paused my life or deprived my soul and body in any way. I just don’t want to look for lemons anymore. 

But, for times when I miss you so terribly that I can’t breathe, and every color seems blue, I’ve learned that if I close my eyes and manage to silence my mind, I can almost feel your trembly fingertips on my face. And that feels good. That feels more real than anything else. (And just like that, I am saved)

My within and without, my magic and mundane, my sacred and profane, my fractal and whole – I love you. All of you. Any day. 

•July 8, 2017 • Leave a Comment

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do, you see I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue. Anyway the thing is, what I really mean, yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen 🎶

•July 5, 2017 • Leave a Comment

As a self-critical person, I often have the urge to instantly revisit what I’ve written to see if it’s too much or too little, if the words are resonating with the intent behind them or not. But I control myself because I know I’ll inevitably want to censor or edit or hide or delete. We end up lying about so many things, we conceal so many things, we tinge our words with shades that please the occasion. But the one thing I want to be honest about is love. If I have to be honest about just one thing, it would be love. I will say: I love, I know love, I feel love, I will love 

(here we go again..)

•July 3, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Now I see, if I wear a mask, I can fool the world, but I cannot fool my heart 

– Aguilera